


no one's gonna tell us what to do now

by pepper_407



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Asexual El Hopper, Lesbian Characters, Letters, Multi, Nonbinary El Hopper, Post-Season/Series 03, Trans Female Mike Wheeler, other characters will be mentioned a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26809558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper_407/pseuds/pepper_407
Summary: Dear El, you have been gone for an hour and half and I have no idea what to do with myself / El, It's been a day and half since you left and I'm gonna lose my shitaka: El and the Byers moved to California post season 3 and Mike and Max both miss El like crazy, in the form of letters
Relationships: Eleven | Jane Hopper/Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler/Maxine "Max" Mayfield
Comments: 30
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no planned end, I have planned almost nothing except for the format, which is: one chapter will be Mike and Max's letters to El and then the next will be El's replies to both and then back to Mike and Max, etc etc.  
> the title is from revolution by catey shaw which was the og inspo for this fic and the song is very two person centric but ignoring that, it's Them

Dear El,

You have been gone for an hour and a half and I have no idea what to do with myself. I know we didn't spend that much time together at the end of the summer but I was thinking about you constantly and now that you're there and I'm still here, all I will be doing is thinking about you, with no end date, no time when I know I can see you. It's hell. And I know I shouldn't use that word like that but I've never been too sure about the whole demons who torture you after you die thing but actually now after all this, I guess it's more plausible, I don't know how mom believes in it when she hasn't seen what we have. Or maybe she has, maybe when she was young she had a whole supernatural, demon, Demogorgon adventure but then settled into her life as it is now. I have no idea if I could ever live like she does, so sure of herself, of her surroundings, of her relationships.

I don't really know what I'm talking about but it's easy to just get feelings out on paper, I think I could actually tell you all about these weird feelings in person I have but I would be nervous and probably feel like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to and maybe I would be, they say if you are ashamed of what you're doing then it's probably wrong. So maybe wondering if hell exists or if I could really live the suburban life is bad but I think maybe I've earned some good grace with god, maybe I can cash in the demon killing for some answers. The boys (and Max) are at the arcade right now but I just came home and I'm just lying on my bed missing you. Always missing you.

Love,

Mike

p.s. you might be impressed by how professional my letter writing skills are and if so just know that all my talents come from a section of a survival guide that I had always written off as dumb, and of course, I was very wrong

\-------

El,

It's been a day and a half without you and I'm gonna lose my shit. Lucas and I are over, for good, I just can't deal with that back and forth shit anymore, it's just not worth it. But I am worried that with that not happening and you being gone and with Mike still being a shithead (I know you two are all good now but he is a dick to me still) that I'm going to get pushed out and I have no idea what I'm going to do then. I guess just write to you, I hate that we spent so little time together, I want to teach you how to skate, I want to have more sleepovers with you, I miss you. Which is dumb and sappy and there is no way I would actually say that to your face. I've never had a friend who is a girl before, it's nice and different and so please come visit asap (also I'm so jealous that you're in California, please go surfing and swimming and tell me how tubular it is so I can be super jealous)

-Max


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mike,

I also miss you, I know I was alone for a long time but now I feel even more lonely and I don't know why. Joyce says it's because I now know what it's like to have a family and that she will keep me company whenever she can and that I can send as many letters as I want. She's really nice and I think she is how mama would have been. I had never heard of hell but I asked Jonathan what it is and he said it's a fictional place crazy religious freaks made up to make people feel bad about who they are and then Joyce told him not to push his agenda on me, neither mentioned demons and I'm not quite sure what an agenda is but I agree that questioning whether things are right or real is important.

You have to be nice Max. Well, you don't have to but I think it's mean that you're not, she's so nice and also scared that she won't be able to be a part of the party now that she dumped Lucas, please become friends with her or at least be nice and maybe you two could spend time together when you both miss me. I am writing to her too and will use the helpful professional letter writing tips you gave me with her as well so I thank you for that. Will misses you too, make sure to write to him because I know he wants to write to you but I think he thinks you don't want to be his friend anymore, make sure he knows that you do. 

Love,

El

p.s. I also asked Joyce what p.s. meant and she said it's a fancy old school thing where people add extra bits they forgot to add or just an extra bit and I quite like that, it's showing you that nothing is quite perfect, although I don't know if I have anything else to say.

\-------

Dear Max,

I have learnt how to write a letter in a proper way thanks to Mike, so feel free to copy how I do it. I also miss you a lot and I don't exactly know how to lose my shit but I understand how you feel as I am also lonely. Will, Joyce and Jonathan are kind to me and treat me better than I have ever known but there is a feeling I can't explain, I feel alone even though I am not, is that dumb? I have been taking your lead and using tubular to describe anything that seems cool or exciting, I assume the locals will be impressed and I am practising for when I start at this new school, Joyce has found a small one so it won't be too noisy or intense but it will be full of new people and I have never been to school before so I don't know what to expect. Joyce offered to get me a private teacher but I'm a teenager and I want to be a normal ninth-grader, plus Will is going to be there with me.

I'm sorry that I couldn't go surfing, I couldn't even go swimming. I tried but it reminded me too much of the underwater stuff back at the lab and also the empty school that one time. I wish you were here so you could go surfing because I bet you're brilliant. I guess I also have never had a friend who is a girl before, although I don't really know how it is different from boys? I think maybe my friendship with you feels a little different from the others because I have known them longer but also maybe we are closer than I am with Lucas and Dustin because I haven't written to them yet and Joyce told me that maybe Will can be my brother which is different from a friend but I think he is a friend as well. 

Mike is also my friend and I have written to him as well and I miss him like I miss you. I have asked him to be nicer to you because it would be nice if my two best friends were also friends (I'm sorry I keep repeating myself but I am just trying to get the hang of this whole letter writing thing and also I don't know what lots of things are and I want to make it clear what I'm talking about), Will taught me the term of best friend, but said maybe I shouldn't use it on Mike being we are going out but I think that is a little silly because you would want to go out with your best friend wouldn't you? Also, I don't think we can go out anywhere if we are so far apart but Will said it still counts.

I'm sorry for how much I don't know but it would feel like a lie to pretend I know everything and friends don't lie. I also think it would be nice if you taught me how to skate, Maybe at some point, I could get a skating board and you could send me instructions on how to do it, it would not be nearly as much fun as you being here but it would be something new to try and I have seen a lot of people skating nearby so I think it would be a good thing to know how to do here.

Love,

El


	3. Chapter 3

Dear El,

I understand feeling lonely, I obviously haven't grown up the way you did but I always felt really alone. Both in my family and even with the party, I don't think anyone actually knows me, except maybe you. But even then, what is knowing someone? I hope my letters make you feel less alone because yours sure as heck made me feel nice and gooey and warm and all the good things, including less like I am alone in the world. Am I being too girly and sappy? I just miss you a lot. I'm sorry about Max, I guess I'm just jealous of her which is dumb because I know she isn't replacing me in the party or anything and you're not even here for me to be jealous of her getting to spend time with you, there's just something about her, she can just be who she wants and I don't know, it's dumb and I'm trying to be nicer to her now. Plus she must be cool if you like her.

I'm really glad Joyce is your new mom (kind of?) now, she's the best mom, Will says so all the time and I reckon that he's right. Although my mom is cool sometimes, mostly just annoying but recently my dad has been on more business trips so it's been quieter around the house (except Holly who is so loud) which has been nice, I think you are supposed to like your dad but I don't really like mine, he is stuck up and says stuff that makes me sad. Will's dad also sucks and I don't think Dustin has one. But Lucas' dad is nice so I don't know if you can rule them all sucky. I'm sorry that you can't be with your actual mama but if you ever want to talk (write) about her to me I'm all ears.

And I'm sorry I forgot that you wouldn't know what hell is, I'm trying to be better about that, it's this place some people believe you go when you die if you have been bad on earth, some people think just murderers and really bad people go there but others think it's anyone who lies or does things they think are wrong but I have never met anyone who doesn't lie (except maybe you) so I guess I don't really understand it all either.

I called Will on the phone, which is something I could do with you too but I like these letters and I know it's really expensive even though my mom was pretty nice about it. He helped me with some ideas for my next D&D adventure, it's going to be so weird without him there but I miss it a lot and hopefully Max will enjoy the game with us. It sounds like Will is quite lonely in California too so I hope you're being a good friend (or sister) to him because he deserves it. He was my first friend and I feel like I've been such a shit friend to him lately, I think like Max, there's something about him that just makes me weirdly jealous but I really have to stop letting all my annoying inside feelings make me be mean to people. Please write back and tell me about all the cool things you are doing in California

Love,

Mike

p.s. this new game came to the arcade called paperboy and it's kind of dumb but I can't stop playing it. My mum used to want me to be a paperboy but I felt weird about it and didn't go and ask for the job but now playing the game is kind of fun.

\-------

Dear El,

Mike has actually been rather nice to me in recent times so I will accept his way of writing a letter, but only because of that and I have a little feeling that maybe you are the reason he is being nice if so thank you. El, you wonderful bastard, you rock so much. Can I ask why you go by El? like I know it came from your tattoo and that stuff and I don't mean to judge you or it at all but you said that you met your mama and she told you that you were born to be Jane, right? So can I ask why you don't go by Jane? Is it because you only recently learnt that name so you didn't grow up with it so it doesn't feel like your name? Or do you just not like it? It is a little prissy but you could totally rock it if you wanted to. I guess I just think a bit about names because my name is Maxine but I will cut anyone who calls me that and maybe it's just because it gives people weird expectations about the kind of girl I am and when I'm not that person the way adults say Maxine is so shitty that I like to be able to snap back with, it's Max dipshit. Or maybe it's because I've only really ever had guy friends. Or maybe it just is me and there doesn't need to be another explanation. Sorry for the rambling but names are interesting don't you think? And of course, you are very interesting, in a good way!

So like I said before Mike is being nicer, or at least trying to, but I still feel really alone here. I still miss you so much, I have no idea when I'm going to get used to this new normal. And even though I have lived here in Hawkins for a bit now I still have done hardly any exploring or figuring out how my life is going to be until I can escape to (hopefully) California for college or just general adulthood so that's something to think about but fuck, it's just so exhausting to have to think about maybe finding new friends because I'm not the new kid anymore, except when school starts again I will be the new kid but in the way that so will the rest of the party and everyone else entering the scariness of high school. I miss Lucas but not in the way that I want to kiss him, I don't think I ever wanted to kiss him because I also miss Dustin's dumb ramblings in the same way, god this boy/girl stuff really fucks everything up. And I don't mean to make you anxious about starting a new school or anything, you can so handle it, you're the most badass person I have ever met. And not because you had superpowers.

I feel like I keep saying/writing stupid stuff because I don't mean all boy/girl stuff is dumb because obviously you love Mike and he loves you and that's all good and nice, especially now that Mike seems not to hate me. But I just want to be friends with guys without them wanting to make out with me. And I never really got too close to Will but I wish I had because he seems like maybe he wouldn't want to make out with me. And you're so right about how you can definitely feel differently about different friends, you feel differently about every person you care about because each person is different so you would feel differently about them and how you interact would change. I feel like I just said the word differently about a thousand times and if you're reading this aloud it probably doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.

Anyways I'm sorry about swimming and the water reminding you of shitty things from your past, that sucks and I'm sorry. But, skateboarding! you're right when it would be so much better if I could be there with you but the basics is putting one foot on the ground and the other on the board and pushing off and keeping balanced, that is very vague I know but you just got to fall off a few times to get it right, I believe in you El. I'm enclosing a photo of me on my skateboard to inspire you. Steve's friend Robin who is really cool took the photo because she likes to take photos of stuff like I heard Jonathan likes to, so maybe he could take a photo of you while doing it too? I miss you so much like always

Love, 

Max

p.s. I'm sure Mike has already told you but he is obsessed with this new game at the arcade, I only played it a few times, didn't really get the appeal but I did the set the record and Mike still hasn't been able to beat it which is Hilarious


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Mike,

I don't really know if I'm doing cool things that are exclusive to California because I didn't spend much time doing things in Hawkins. But mostly I'm just being outside, I really like being outside, it's so sunny and nice and freeing in a way that I've never experienced before. I'm also doing a lot of reading, I recently read this book called the polar express with Will and we both really liked that one. I have also been reading the dictionary, mostly just going to random pages and finding definitions and I don't think that is supposed to be fun but I liked it a lot, it's not just learning stuff I should know anyway, it's lots of interesting and weird stuff and it's all just so interesting and I'm loving learning new things and having the freedom to do so.

Will also really enjoyed your phone call and has been talking about all your D&D stuff with me constantly and it's pretty cool but I don't really quite understand it all so I feel bad, I hope at school he will find some other people who also enjoy the game. I'm also trying to be a better friend to him. I spend lots of time with him and I keep asking him about stuff and maybe he's getting a little sick of me but I make sure to give him plenty of space which I understand because often I just want to be left alone too. I like to spend time running alone, it's nice to get out of my head and it makes me feel powerful and strong in a way that I haven't since losing my powers. They were the most important part of me for so long and now that I have a life that is so different I understand that that was a bad thing but it's hard to figure out who you are when literally everything you have ever known is gone. 

Also, I don't know how I'm going to find Kali again, not right now, but I will go look for her again because she is family and I need to look out for her but right now I need to look out for me. The term sister doesn't quite seem right when describing myself, Kali is my sister and Will might be my brother but I feel a bit weird about being called their sister, I have no idea why. Maybe it's just because I didn't grow up knowing how to be those things and I just have to get used to being defined by words and labels.

And Max said that she has noticed that you have been nicer and I'm really glad you are but also I totally understand feeling jealous of her. I was mean to her when I first came back because I thought she was replacing me in the party and she seemed so carefree and pretty that I understood why she would and could. But now I understand that you can love lots of people and have many friends of all different sorts and I think Max would make a wonderful friend for you. So please keep including her because she still feels sad, also please tell Lucas and Dustin I miss them a lot and to make sure they tell Max she is still their friend. 

In your last letter, you said you were being too sappy and girly when talking about how I make you feel less alone in the world, which are feelings you also make me feel. I looked up sappy in my dictionary and I have found it to mean caring heavily in a way that can make you emotional but does girly mean like a girl? Which is something I don't really understand, I know it's because of how I was raised but even after Joyce explained to me that girls have different bodies I still don't really get it because why would those things mean anything. Like people have boy and girl as a whole defining feature and I just don't get it, plus does girly mean emotional? I'm really confused, I'm sorry that I'm asking so many questions about this but I just don't understand and I don't know how to find out the answers. And you are the smartest person I know, plus my favourite person to talk to, even if this isn't quite talking.

Love,

El

p.s. school is starting next week and I'm very nervous and excited, please write to me about how it goes at your school and I'll do the same and we can compare notes. Also, paperboy sounds fun. I haven't really enjoyed many video games yet but I haven't tried many either and don't worry about Max winning, it's all about having fun, or at least that's what Joyce says.

\-------

Dear Max,

You look so good on your skateboard, you just look so cool! I wish I could watch you skate, I didn't appreciate you doing it when I was in Hawkins. Joyce said that maybe I could get a skateboard after school starts as a reward for making it through a week or so which I'm excited about but I know that I could ever look as cool as you, even standing still on it. But I still sent you a photo back, Jonathan has been taking lots of photos of the ocean and they are all so pretty so I included one of them along with one of me and Will in front of our new house. I remember Robin, she was working with Steve and then we saw her a few more times before I left, I remember thinking she was really cool and it just made her even cooler that she takes photos. Do you think you could be friends with her? Like Dustin is with Steve? That would be pretty bitchin', no pressure, just looking for more friends for you.

And yeah I told Mike to be nicer and I think he actually wanted to be nice the whole time but he has a busy brain, which of course is not a reason to be a dick, that is something Joyce told me and I think that she's right. I'm really glad he is being nicer to you and I really hope you two will get along because you two are my favourite people to spend time with. I also hope that Dustin and Lucas realise what they are missing out on by not insisting on being your friends, they are also great so I think they are just being a little silly in the same way that Mike was and so was I before last summer. I guess I don't really understand the girl/boy stuff because I don't really understand the difference between boys and girls so the whole romantically inclined thing is something I don't really get. Except I guess it is because I love Mike and I am a girl and he is a boy. But I don't think about any other boys in a way that I would want to kiss or share a milkshake with. I have heard that some boys like boys so for those people does the boy/girl dynamic change? I guess you can also want to date someone and then not, like you and Lucas. Or I guess it's all just stuff you all learnt through life that I didn't experience and maybe when I get to school I will understand

So with my name being El, I guess I hadn't really thought about it much, I was Eleven, and then Mike called me El and that somehow fit, like when he said it I just thought it was a way to say Eleven shorter but once it stuck I really started to enjoy being called it, maybe it was because for the first time in my life when my name was called it wasn't to be punished or be quiet or anything. But also I have grown to enjoy the weirdness of it, no one else has the name El with one L, it feels right, it feels like who and how I am. Does that make sense? I'm trying to get better at explaining myself because understanding is the most important thing. Jane is what I would have grown up being if I had not been taken from Mama but I would have been a whole different person then, with a different life and different memories and who knows maybe even then I would have felt more like El still. So our names are kind of the same, shortening of names we were given without our permission to names that are similar but make us feel better and more like ourselves. I want to be honest, I took lots of time with this letter, I like to look up words in my dictionary and find ways they sound nice together, Joyce says maybe I should write the next American novel and I don't think I could do that but writing is fun, do you like writing and I guess storytelling? I know Mike likes to create worlds for D&D but I feel like I have no knowledge of whether you like to write. 

Love,

El

p.s. I'm glad you're having fun with your paperboy game and you're right about Mike not telling me about you beating him. I hope you continue to have fun with it, maybe you two can work together and both win the game!


	5. Chapter 5

Dear El,

I hate the idea that I'm the smartest person you know because honestly, I'm mostly a real idiot, I would never usually admit it but I've been trying to be better at being myself I guess, much better than I was last year when I lied to you and treated you badly and was awful to Will. I was doing all those things because I thought that that's what teenage boys did but obviously, I was wrong. I mean look at Steve, I'm still a little hesitant about him but he's actually kind of the best. And I know that was dumb and wrong but now I just said dumb stuff without trying to be an ass. Being girly means being emotional in a bad way, like being weak or something, I guess it's not the actual definition, it's just a thing people say but I hadn't really thought about it being tied to making girls seem weak but that's dumb and I'm glad you didn't know that because obviously, girls aren't weak, you are the strongest person I know and also in no way is that because of any superpowers you had.

That's really cool about the dictionary! Please keep me updated on cool words and definitions you find. And I think it's dumb to base what you spend time doing on what other people think is fun or ever the right thing to do because lots of people like doing different things and also so many people do boring stuff, its much cooler and more fun to be you own person, trying to fit in with how you think you're supposed to be is stressful and I don't recommend it.

Speaking of, high school has commenced and it sucks ass. It's not like I expected it to be this magical place but it always seemed so far of and pretty grown up but now I'm here and we got practically trampled by the older kids and everyone ignored us, which is actually a good thing compared to other stuff but I have a feeling that that stuff doesn't stop in middle school. I'm going to really miss Mr Clarke but there does seem to be a pretty good A.V. club here, we have just been too nervous to ask to join because there isn't an obvious signup process and there are always older kids in the room. And when I say we I mean me, Dustin, Lucas and Max, they have pulled their heads out of their asses and realised that Max is our friend, so I guess we all did that and actually, she's really great, of course, you were right. I have had so much fun hanging out with her and so have Lucas and Dustin, Max told them point-blank that she is never dating one of them again and if they couldn't deal with that in an un-shitty way she would have to ditch them but they got over it and now we are this new group but also made up of three-quarters of an old group, it's fun and interesting and Max is hilarious and really cool and great and finally we can all appreciate that without any stuff getting the way. Something funny did happen when we were getting our class schedules -someone asked if Max and I were dating, it cracked all four of us up. Honestly, Dustin and Lucas were both a little offended and so was Max, for different reasons than them obviously. I don't know if I was hurt by the statement but Max made a good point about how a girl doesn't have to be dating someone to have friends that are guys. It was just a really funny moment and I wished you had been there for it.

I feel like that's mean to say because I know you can't control where you are and I'm really glad that you seem to be having a good fresh start in California. but I wish you were here, I wish we could go to the movies and hold hands, I wish we could be going to school together, I wish both you and Will were here and the party was complete.

When you do want to find Kali again remember that the party is here for you, don't just go running off to a big city to find her or even trying to find her from home, ask for our help! Also, I bet Joyce would help you too. I think I understand the bond you two have because Nancy and I honestly aren't all that close but she's my sister and I will deny it if you ever repeat this to anyone but I would probably die for her. So I understand why you keep thinking about Kali and knowing that you will want and need to see her again one day. And I hope that maybe I could meet her too, even the whole party but if not maybe just me? I don't know, I just think it would be pretty rad to meet her. But I also get that it can be hard to feel connected to labels that have been forced upon you and you haven't grown up connected to. So I would understand why you don't quite feel like a sister to Kali or Will and also Jonathan who I know you feel less connected with than the other two but maybe figuring out how you feel about all of them will help you figure why you don't like the term sister. And it's not because they aren't your _real_ siblings or anything like that but because it's hard to define yourself and sometimes words feel wrong even when you can't quite figure out why and it's important to not force yourself into saying things because everyone around you is, so if you want to have them be your siblings and you be something else to them I think that's alright.

Love,

Mike

p.s. here's something I wanted to say multiple times in this letter but couldn't quite write the words but here in the p.s. area everything feels less real so I'm just going to write it. I think that maybe I am a girl. I don't know what that means really and I don't know how to explain it but it's just a feeling I have and I didn't even know what it meant until a year or two ago and I guess I still don't quite know what it means because that isn't a real thing except maybe it's a real thing for me. Plus did Max tell you about her beating me at paperboy? Because I didn't write it but I should have because of course, you're right it is all about having fun but it's also a little about winning and then being able to brag about it to you I guess.

Dear El,

I really didn't think I liked writing, I hate writing essays for school and I can never come up with good creative writing stories but I really like writing to you. Sometimes when I'm at school or at one of the boys' houses and I start mentally writing my next letter to you so maybe I really love writing. I just need the right audience. Speaking of the boys, they have finally let go of all their shit and finally I feel like I have a real friend group and people I can rely on and it's really nice. I think Mike was a deciding factor in them deciding not to be turds which I never would have seen coming but also I just think they were being idiots and that happens and they have given me overdramatic apologies and it's all chill now.

Well, it is still a little weird but I don't know if that's just me. Like I don't know if they also feel kind of weird around me, especially Lucas. Like we used to date right? We are technically exes, I've seen movies and that shit is always weird and I think it's the wrong kind of weird and I'm wondering if I ever wanted to date him in the first place. Which is fucked because he was nice and sweet and rather pretty, which I know you're not supposed to describe boys like that but that's dumb and stupid and he is pretty. But I never wanted to hold his hand or anything, I want to play video games with him and not have him get offended when I trash talk because I'm his girlfriend now. Last summer I just kept getting bored and annoyed but feeling like there was no reason not to get back with him but that's dumb and I think it should be the other way around. If this isn't too weird can I ask how you know that you liked Mike romantically when you met and still now and just if you have any kind of explanation because I just don't know if I really get it?

And I guess that ties into what you were saying about boy/girl dynamics. I don't really understand them either. Like I'm a girl and Lucas is a boy and Lucas liked me and I thought I could and maybe should like him so dating proceeded, it was almost clinical. Kind of just what movies and books and what other people say isn't it. But you're very right with the boys and girls are so similar yet everyone treats them like they're so different, I love skateboarding but people find that fucked and that's so dumb but it really does go deeper than that. People don't really talk about private parts but they should because that's almost all that is different about us when it comes to the core isn't it? I don't know, I'm not really science geek but you're right when we really made all this up, and when I say we I mean humans, I think if you and I were to make up genders we might not make any, that would be cool, but alas I am a girl and I will be nudged whenever people find out I just broke up with a good friend of mine for probably the whole year. And you brought up the fact that sometimes boys like boys and I guess I hadn't thought about how that would mess up all of their precious gender roles but it would. I don't know who you heard the boys liking boys thing from but it's important to know it's not bad, I thought it was for a long time but it's not, I don't really know much about it but love is good and that's important to know.

I think I understand what you mean by your name, you just heard it a few times and then you started to realise you never wanted to hear anything else. I'm the exact same way with my name. And yeah I can't imagine an alternate world where I go by Maxine but she might exist out there somewhere or maybe not, we have no way of knowing but I bet our boys would have some theories.

I'm very flattered that you think I look cool on my skateboard, I did choose some really good shots of me so maybe Robin should get some of the credit. And I think maybe I am building up some sort of friendship with her and Steve, we all kind of are, they like to hang out with us sometimes and that's really cool like they're kind of like adults but also not and Robin is in school with us and we often eat lunch with her. And the fact that she will just eat with a bunch of ninth-graders and not give two shits about what people say should sum up how rad she really is. Plus she never talks about boys and her and Steve aren't even dating, they're just best friends and that's really cool, whenever someone suggests that they're dating they both shut it down so quickly. Plus she also skateboards! And because she has lived here her whole life she is showing me so many great places to board.

Love,

Max

p.s. paperboy wise Mike still hasn't beaten me and it's not exactly a game you can play together but I have given him some tips in a subtle way so he won't be too cocky to take them


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna say that I put Robin in year twelve even though she probably should have graduated, I don't know, I just wanted her in school with them and also I have no idea how American school works (or America or the eighties lmao) so terms and seasons and holidays and stuff like that will just come when the narrative calls for it. also please comment if you are getting any enjoyment out of this fic, my soul needs it lol, ty all for reading and I hope you continue to do so in the coming year <3

Dear Mike,

I was going to reply to your p.s. words in my own but then I felt silly doing that because you are real and so are your feelings even if you don't completely understand them. I know you didn't say much and maybe that's because you don't know or are unsure or don't know how to say it, which is something I know a lot about, speaking of, I recently found the word stagger in the dictionary, I didn't know there were words for exact types of walking but that is useful and I like that. It also has another meaning about being in shock, I love words that have multiple meanings because that is so interesting. So maybe you just have to find some words that help you or if they don't exist maybe make them up because all words are just made up anyway. I have to say though I guess I don't quite know what you mean it is to feel like a girl, it seems like you don't either but I am a girl and I don't really feel like one? I don't think I'm a boy either because you maybe being a girl makes that an option but I don't really feel any connection to the idea of being a boy either and that is probably just because I grew up not knowing but it is a persistent thought that I have been having and this seems like a good time to bring it up. It also seems like a good time to remind you that I love you always and even though some people say only boys and girls can love each other I know that's wrong and I love you.

And don't say bad things about yourself, you aren't dumb and yes you did some silly things but the fact that you are changing from them just proved my fact about how you are the smartest person I know. Speaking of being smart turns out I'm not too bad at maths, just the basic stuff for now but I seem to be better at it than Joyce or anyone expected, I'm still really bad at most of the other stuff and especially science, I hate the experiments, I know it's not a bad experiment but whenever I hear or even read that word and the idea behind it I cannot help but think of Papa and my life and myself but I feel weak and weird and I hate bringing it up because people with either want me to give my thoughts and feelings or avoid it completely. I think I just need some kind of happy medium and maybe Joyce can help me with that but bringing it up to her feels wrong and scary. Although I am not too bad at English, these letters have been helping so much so that gives even more proof that you are smart because you are making me smarter.

I understand being hesitant about someone and that you are thinking about your sister but I don't think you need to worry about Steve, he can be just the best if you want instead of the bad things past you thought about him I think. Will likes Steve too and so does Jonathan, I asked him what he missed about Hawkins and he said Nancy and Steve and then his face got all red and muttered about friends and missing his people. I think I understand why we moved here and Joyce seems to mostly love it and I am enjoying parts but we all miss people and it's hard but weirdly it's kind of nice that we are all missing people together, we share it and that is what family I think. So I'm not going to go run off to find Kali because I have a family here and that is really nice. But when I do feel like the right time has passed and I need to see her again I will ask for help and I would really love if you met her, I think you two both have insides that are too big for your bodies and you would get along really well.

Your story about someone thinking you and Max were dating was funny, it's weird how you can decide to be okay with something which was the right decision but still be hurt by it in a way like Dustin and Lucas were in that situation. And of course, Max is right and personally knows how complicated and shitty people are about this entire situation. But you did cut out your reaction or maybe you just didn't really have one which is fine but if you did want to date Max I think that would be fun! You two would make a really good couple, like how quickly you two became friends when you were open to it. Plus you are both really pretty and nice and friends are good but I understand that romance is fun too. Of course, no pressure about anything to either of you because that's bad and having choices is important, it's just that your story made me wonder. Plus you said you missed holding someone's hand and going to the movies and even though I wish I could be doing those things with you, Max is maybe someone you could hold hands with instead, or if I came back or you visited me or something you could hold both our hands, as long as you still have both of them.

Love,

El

p.s. oh yes sorry Max was the one who told me about her winning at the game, sometimes your and hers info gets mixed up in my head when it's all processed but either way I'm rooting for you (and Max too) always.

Dear Max, 

I'm sad I didn't get to spend more time with Robin but I am glad that you are becoming close with her and that you two have lots in common and that you all can sit with her at lunch. I sit with Will at lunch in the library, we sat in the cafeteria at first but it was really noisy and that really bothered both of us so we have found an area in the library where you are allowed to eat if you are very careful and now we are spending it in here and that has been really nice. Joyce has been encouraging us to attempt to make new friends I have been trying a little but it's a new and scary place so having to think about interacting with new people is just this added scariness that I have been putting off thinking about. I'm so glad Will is here with me, I don't think I could have handled this alone, or well I probably could have but it would have been a lot worse.

I don't really know how I know I find Mike romantically good because it just all felt so natural. Which I know is a bad answer but it's my only one, we just met and bonded and then I met the others but I still felt some kind of different pull towards Mike, like we connected on a level that I can't really explain. We didn't even talk much in the beginning because I was just learning that that was allowed but I had this feeling like I could tell Mike anything and we just both had that feeling with each other and later on I started thinking that maybe kissing Mike would be nice and yeah, I'm not sure I really love kissing a whole lot but I think that's alright, I love to cuddle though, and I think it's a shame we never really cuddled, I think you would be nice to cuddle with. Hopefully, that answers that at least somewhat answers that question.

And I think if you didn't want to ever date Lucas it makes sense that you would do it anyway because I agree about all movies and books and everyone around you talking about how girls and guys are always in love or being physical or all that stuff which is just so annoying and forced down all of our throats. And it would be staggering to me to think about growing up having these expectations forced upon you to feel like that's what you had to do no matter what. And I want you to know if you just didn't want to date Lucas or if this is something else I love you no matter what. I want to just emphasis these things because even though I don't totally understand life as a teenager in a normal world yet, I recently had a conversation with someone I care a lot about and I didn't quite know what to say in the situation but they said it was just important that I loved them still and I do so I want you to know that the same goes for you always.

And I wanna say just as I was writing that last bit I was thinking about how you can use the words of they and their and them when you don't want to give away who you are talking about so you conceal the gender. Which is a good idea for this world we would build without gender, in this very hypothetical (which is a word I read in my dictionary and it means made up but in a scientific way where it could be true for the future or even now) world maybe people could just be referred to like that, I think that would be nice. 

About Lucas though, I don't think you should stress about it (if you can help it) because if he is starting to get to a normal place then maybe he is also against what movies and stuff tell us how normal broken up people should be and that is a good thing. But I am sorry that you didn't want to hold his hand and you did, I hope one day you find someone to hold hands with, or don't because why would you need to, it's your hand! And just this whole gender thing is so complicated and confusing and I love reading all your thoughts about it all because I am trying to form my own opinions and it's good to hear things from people I trust about things I don't understand. I am glad that you also know that boys liking boys is a good thing too because when I first heard about it is was just a small comment about how boys sometimes fancy other boys and I assumed that was alright when I heard it but then someone explained to me about how lots of people hate people and how those words I had been hearing meant those things and it all came together. Language is complicated and interesting and even when it can be hateful it can also be beautiful at the same time don't you think? It's also important to know about how girls can like girls too, I don't know many details but I think I would like to find out more about all that but I do not know where to look, do you think a library would have these kinds of resources?

Love, 

El

p.s. I have sent some pressed flowers because Will and I have been doing that so much recently and I wanted to send you some, aren't they pretty! and so easy to make, I hope you like them


	7. Chapter 7

Dear El,

I have tried to write this a letter a few times but thrown it out because I just don't quite know what you mean. Your last letter was so confusing, you said you loved me and you said really nice and wonderful things that I almost definitely cried when reading (in a good way!) but then in the last paragraph, you talked about me dating Max? I am dating you, we are dating, we both agreed that even though we live away from each other now we are still dating. And you talk about still loving me no matter what in the exact same letter. Do you want to date a real boy? Or even a real girl? Were you just being nice? Which is so unlike you, not that you're not nice, you are but mostly you're honest which is so much better. Please help me understand.

I guess moving on from that? Honestly, I just want to send that in a letter but it feels like a waste and if you are breaking up with me so that I can be with Max? I guess I have more to say. I don't put my reaction to that whole situation because I honestly didn't really have one, when this went down none of us were thinking that Max and I wanted to date, it was the absurdity of the situation that was funny. Max is really cool but again, I am dating you. On that note I have been working on this year's D&D campaign and I have missed it so much and I feel like these letters have been really helping, they have not just been helping my writing skills but also get a better view on the world outside of Hawkins. Speaking of Max she has agreed to be in this campaign, along with both Robin and Steve! having three new players is going to be so different than usual and even though Will not being able to play is such a loss, I loved his character and creating situations where he had to really work outside of what he was prepared for which was something he always did in such interesting ways, and I'm also really going to miss the amazing art he did for it, but it is exciting to be showing this game to new friends. If you had told me even last year that I would be DMing a game that included Steve Harrington I would never believe you, yet here we are, and, of course, you were right about being able to like him unconditionally, well mostly right because I think conservations and past thoughts are part of why and how you like people in the present but yeah, Steve is pretty fucking cool. And I wanna say when I talk about Max in a positive fashion it's because we are friends! Remember when you told me to befriend Max, remember that!

It's two days later because I need time to cool down and process and just stop being a dick, I know it's hard to read tone in letters and I know you have some trouble even outside of it, but I was feeling angry and mad and all the bad things when I wrote that last line and I wanted to write more but I stopped myself. I could start over but that feels like a lie and I never want to lie to you, friends don't lie. And you are my friend. I read your letter for possibly the hundredth time and there has always been one bit I don't quite get but I think I understand you a bit more now, you want me to date, Max, while also still dating you. It's just that hat isn't something that people do so I just didn't understand but, of course, you wouldn't know that and also why shouldn't you. If we had had this conversation in person it would have gone terribly and I would have lashed out and then gone all defensive but having this space to figure out what you mean and figure out how I actually think about it is actually rather useful.

But it isn't what people do, you have one partner, you date and then break up or get married, or I guess die. But the normal thing to do is have someone who is the opposite gender to what you are and we both know that that's dumb and also I guess doesn't apply to us. That first paragraph was so nice and wonderful El, you just said how I was feeling was fine and god I needed that, this is something I still don't completely know or understand but you just going with it mean the world to me, and then the later stuff came and I was confused but now reading back through the whole letter, god you really are amazing. And I think if you don't feel like a girl or a boy, maybe you could be both! or neither maybe? Either way, I think that's really cool and something I wouldn't have even thought about without you. And neither is that fact that why can't you date more than one person. I guess it's illegal to marry more than one person, but again it's illegal for lots of people to marry anyways. Plus no one says it's bad to have more than one friend, why should it be any different for dating? Why should we follow these unspoken rules? And if they're unspoken, are they even rules? And plus dating is just what you want it to be right? like everyone treats it differently, like you who I noticed didn't really like kissing much but I felt weird bringing it up so I just started to suggest we cuddle more which you seemed to really love, as do I!

Although I don't know how I feel about dating Max. For one thing, I haven't even ever thought it about it before I thought you were supposed to know you like someone from the start and I didn't even like her platonically at the start. And even though she is really cool with people and stuff I don't think she would be as okay with me maybe being a girl as you are, especially not in a romantic scenario. Plus I don't even know why I am actually thinking about this, I love you and maybe just dating one person is kind of dumb but it is how the world works. And I don't even know if I would want to date Max anyways, although she is very pretty and as she would say, tubular.

Anyways thank you for your letter and for making me think about things and making me just so much smarter one letter at a time, maybe I am making you smarter but you are definitely doing the same to me and I think that's really nice. Someone else who is making me smarter is my History teacher, I'm usually more of a math-y person but this teacher is actually pretty cool. She always tells us interesting stuff that isn't in our textbooks and she talks about all these events almost like she is actually there and she just gets so involved and sometimes uses costumes and props! Some people think she's lame but I love how into it she gets, I don't know learning could be this engaging. Well now I sound like someone trying to convince you that learning is fun, I just meant I love the storytelling of it all, no teacher in middle school ever taught us history like that. She's also running the school play and I'm thinking of trying out for it, it could be fun and maybe I could help with the lighting or something because I have the experience from AV club, and now that we are no longer fighting monsters I do have a lot more free time. Speaking of school, it's really cool that you are good at maths! But I'm sorry about the science stuff, I hate when life doesn't feel like it was made for you, which is something I think you would understand the most. I think if you can figure out how to tell Joyce about these feelings she would figure out a good way to help you adjust to that situation, she's really good at finding new and better ways to do everyday things, and I know you and Will have become really close so maybe he could help you explain to Joyce. 

Love,

Mike

p.s. there was a really big thunderstorm here in Hawkins last night, it was so loud and awful and it was one of the times that I was really glad you are in California because you didn't have to experience it. But now, of course, I'm back to wishing you were here

Dear El,

Wow these pressed flowers are so pretty El, everything you do impresses me so much and I will treasure them forever. I don't know if I would be able to ask a librarian if they had any books on gay people but if you have the courage I say go for it -plus in Cali, it would definitely be better than here in Hawkins. And I want to say if you are wanting to look at those books for me, well I don't know what to say. I mean you don't need to because I'm not gay even though I understand it's all good. I just thought about Lucas more as a friend, which often happens. But if they are for you or for someone you know or just to fulfil your wonderful natural curiosity that's really cool and you should let me know if you find anything radical.

Honestly sitting and eating in the library during lunch sounds really nice and even though we have Robin as this saviour the cafeteria is still not a fun place so I gotta say that I'm pretty jealous of you and Will. And I'm glad you have him with you, but again I gotta say I'm also a little jealous of him because I wish I could be there with you in California, I would show you the coolest stuff and teach you to skate and be part of this new part of your life. I know we are connected through these letters and the occasional phone call but I feel a little like we became so close last summer and now we are both in totally different places in the country living our own separate lives and I just, I don't want to lose you but it feels pretty inevitable.

But enough with the teenage angst and on with this music recommendation I have for you. Robin told me about them and she heard about them from someone who heard about them from someone, so it's a very word of mouth and they're actually from California and they are so cool, the band name is Nervous Gender, which in itself is so weird and cool and pretty closely related I think to what we have been talking about and what you have been thinking about especially with those gender-neutral-y ways of talking about people. I obviously don't know anything about the band members but Robin said she thought I might like their music and them and she's right. Obviously, the name is unlike any band name I have heard before but the music is also so good, it's kind of electronic-y but also so punk and just weird in my new favourite way. I am sending you the tape Robin got for me, feel free to keep it though, I want you to really enjoy it and feel no pressure to send it back straight away or anything. But I know you aren't great with loud noises so make sure to start the tape on a low volume and work your way up to it.

I think your answers about how you knew you found Mike romantically attractive were really good, maybe not useful but just good, very honest and nice. And interesting. I don't know if I have ever felt that pull but also if I have I don't quite know if I would have recognised it, does that make sense? I don't know, feelings are confusing. I also didn't like kissing Lucas but I also didn't enjoy cuddling with him, well actually I never really cuddled with him and I think I would like it but I think I understand what you mean. You like dating Mike but you don't like kissing him, I guess I never thought about how connected those two things are but I guess they aren't. Also, we cuddled a bunch and that was really nice but obviously, we aren't dating. Anyways food for thought I guess. Which is something I only kind of know what it means, I've just heard a lot of adults say it and it felt right to put it there.

Language is interesting I agree, I guess I hadn't really put too much thought into it before, except subconsciously. But words having different meanings is interesting and complicated and a way to explore the world in your own way. And I love that you are doing just that, and having me along for some of the ride. 

Love, 

Max

p.s. I included some more photos of me skateboarding, plus I dyed some black streaks into my hair and these pictures show off my hair and the skateboard in the foreground with everything else kind of faded into the background which is really rad. I got in lots of trouble for the hair but it was worth it because it makes me feel really punk and confident with myself, and it's not like I don't get shit for everything anyways. Also, I haven't told anyone this but I was talking on the phone with my dad and he said I could come to Cali for a while to visit for my next break and I don't know if I really can go but I wanted to let you know that I might be seeing you at some point in the not really too distant future and that would be really fucking awesome


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Mike,

I am sorry for how I hurt you but I am so glad you read it again and again until you figured out what I meant. I only wish the world was like you. I keep telling people things or I ask what something means and people look at me like I'm either stupid or messing with them when really I just want to understand but also show them what I mean. Because yes I had a very different life than everyone else but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. So thank you so much for your letter, it was honest and I cried with it because I needed it, I need it, I need you. I don't think I am supposed to be telling you this but oh well, Max might have a chance to come to me next school break and I was wondering if you could somehow try to come with her. I know this is a long shot, I just miss you and even though I love Will and Joyce and Jonathan, I really do. I still feel like I don't belong and I think maybe with you here just for a little while you could help that. Or I'm just emotional and tired and should really wait to write my letter, but I was inspired by your letter to write when feeling the emotions, plus it's actually a really nice thing to get my feelings out this way.

It kind of sounds like you do like Max, but that could be as a friend and I don't think that's any worse. When I suggested you date her I didn't even think about how I have never seen someone date more than one person, I guess I don't know that many people who are married or dating so I didn't think about it, but I'm glad you gave it a real think and told me the whole process of your thoughts because it gives me a good look at how you got from one place to the next. I feel like you went back and forth a little about your feelings on saying there are no rules but also that is just how things are which was kind of confusing but I think I understand. It's scary to do things people think you shouldn't do, especially when you know exactly what you're doing, I kind of miss being completely ignorant of every social "rule". Because now I feel like I have to think about what would be okay to do all the time and it's exhausting and annoying. But I guess the world really is full of scuzzballs (this is a word I found in my dictionary, it's just another word for mouth breathers but it's a really cool sounding word if you say it aloud, you should try it).

I did ask Jonathan about this whole dating more than one person thing because he was around when I was reading your letter -I like to sit in the living room with the television on at a low volume when I read and write the letters, I don't why but it just helps me concentrate. He was surprised I asked and I could tell he was being careful about how to answer it and he mostly didn't quite know what to say but was pretty encouraging about it. He talked about how normal people are boring and you should never do something just because it's what everyone else is doing and that if I wanted to date multiple he would support me and he's sure Joyce and Will would too, I didn't tell him that it wasn't about me because he seemed flattered that I would come to him and also he asked what I would think if someone I knew was dating more than one person and when I said that that would be really nice he smiled and agreed.

Your D&D game sounds fun, Will talks about it a lot, he misses all of you and so do I but sometimes I think he does more than me, which makes sense because he has been with you all his entire life and even though I love and miss you, and Max and Dustin and Lucas (also Steve and Robin), the life I am used to is, was, horrible and I had time in your house and then with Hopper and then by myself and then back again and now I'm here. So the best times of my life, well, none of them have been full of stability (which means full being stable, which means firmly in place). I miss the hints of what could have been but Will misses what was and what has been and I think that is a whole lot sadder. I am glad you are so good friends with Steve and I hope you are also becoming closer to Robin. I know Max is but I hope you are too. 

I don't want to say the wrong thing about you and your stuff because I don't really know how any of this works but have you maybe considered telling anyone else that you are possibly a girl. It's just that I don't know much about being a girl I guess? not that being a girl is something that says anything about you, or it does, again I don't know. I just thought maybe you could tell someone who is near you, that support can be nice. I have been thinking about telling Will about my gender feelings, about how I don't feel like a girl or a boy, I just think it would be nice to talk to someone who is here with me and that it would bring us closer together. Something related to that is I have been thinking about how we refer to each other, like she and her and he and him, I was thinking about how when we don't know the gender or don't want to tell someone we use they and them and their, which is pretty cool and I was thinking about how if I don't have a gender maybe people could use that for me, but I didn't want to bring it up but recently I was at a cafe with Jonathan (he likes to find local music being played and go take photos and just listen and I have recently been listening to more music so I went along with him), it was very casual and nice and interesting. What I was getting to though, was that the lead singer introduced the rest of the band and one of the members was introduced using this sentence "our wonderful talented bass player, they're the other original member of this band that has existed for way too long, River, everybody". Did you see that! It was subtle but I picked up on it and I could tell that Jonathan did too and he noticed that I did. He said that California is a much more liberal place than Hawkins and definitely where we are and that he's still getting used to it but it seems that people here have different ideas about gender and that that's alright and good to learn about. He was nervous when telling me, even though no one cared about what we were saying even if they were listening but I guess he, like you, grew up in a small judgy town and he's still getting used to this different place, it was a moment where I really wished you were here for, I think you would really love it here. I didn't say anything about me then, because I wasn't completely sure and also I don't think we are that close yet, but we're getting there and I think that is really nice.

I'm glad you brought up the kissing thing because I'm not really a fan and of course you noticed it because you notice things like that and I love that you like cuddling too because I also love it and also felt weird about bringing it up and like there wasn't a good time for it. I miss cuddling with you (although you do know who is good at cuddling? Max, just saying), I love our letters and I love you but I miss just being in the same room as you, I wish I could do my homework with you and just hang around, talking about nothing, I miss you being in my space, and me in yours.

I think you should definitely try out for the school play! That would be so rad, although I wish I could watch you perform. But it's good that you want to try new things, if Joyce was your parent person she would be ecstatic. And I am too, it sounds like a really fun thing and you will have to write and tell me all about it because I honestly have no idea what being in a school play would entail and it sounds exciting. And I love that you have a teacher that inspires you, the costumes sound really cool and the fact that you are taking in what she is teaching you is something I'm jealous of because I'm pretty bad at it, at least when it comes to dates and names, they all just get muddled up in my brain. But your teacher sounds really cool and fun and I'm really glad you're thinking of trying something new because even though I myself am exhausted of new things I do understand that in the long run, it's a good thing.

Lastly, in this long letter which I'm sorry for the length of but also not because I just have so much to say to you always. You must have noticed the picture when you first opened the envelope and probably wondering why it took me so long to mention it. It's just that I still, even after doing it and sitting here constantly touching my own head and writing this long long letter still don't quite know why I did it. But as you can see I shaved my head, well actually Joyce did it. At dinner one night (when possible we all eat dinner together and it's really nice) Joyce was talking about a coworker who had shaved hair just on the sides and for just a second I feel like I couldn't breathe, this was before anyone even thought about me, which makes sense because Will wasn't around really when my hair was like that and neither way Jonathan or Joyce really, but then she noticed my face and before she should apologise, because none of them had a single thing to apologise for I said something about kind of missing the short hair. I just said it because it was the first thing I could think of to say but once it was spoken I started to think about it more. Still sitting here, I don't know if I did miss it or I just had it for so long that it feels like a part of me, but also I hated that just a mention of someone with not even a full shaved head could bother me so much, so I think I agreed to it when Joyce cautiously asked me if I wanted her to shave my head because I hate feeling weak. And now I'm sitting here, writing this letter, constantly feeling my head because I had forgotten, it hasn't been that long really but I had forgotten. I don't know if I like it or not which annoys me because when she was shaving it I thought that when it was done I was going to have some kind of, I don't know what to call it, I thought I would have some kind of deeper understanding of something but nothing has changed really, except my hair. Although tell me what you think, and if possible maybe send me a picture of you back, I miss your pretty face.

Love,

El

p.s. you talked about how your last letter was long and apologised for it but I'm pretty sure I just beat your record, also never apologise for a long letter, it's the best gift a person could get

Dear Max,

I just used a skateboard for the first time! I did really well on a test in school and Joyce got a promotion so she bought me a board. I'm honestly pretty good at it but falling isn't that big of a deal to me and I think that helps a lot, or that might be the reason I'm bitchin' at it. I can't go too fast but it's still so freeing and fun and I love it a lot. Will, Jonathan and even Joyce tried it out and they enjoyed it too, but they didn't get quite the same thrill out of it that I did, and hopefully that you do too. I like the idea that I feel a similar way towards this activity to you because I know you love it so much so it excites me that so far I have really enjoyed it. As you have probably already seen I sent some photos of me on the board with this letter, Jonathan took them and I really wanted to recreate the ones you sent me of you sitting a while back but we realised that wasn't possible because you are obviously much more skilled than I am, but also it wouldn't look as cool because your hair really added a lot the picture and seeing as I don't really have any hair right now I would not be able to pull it off. I think you kind of made me feel more confident in doing that to my hair. I didn't even quite think about how much I was thinking about your pictures with your cool new hair until now but it makes sense that you doing that would give me more confidence to do this.

Speaking of my hair, Just a few hours ago I was out with Will at a local cafe that sometimes we like to go to and this person complimented my hair and it took me a while to realise I was being spoken to and only looked up when Will nudged me a few times. This person had a purple mohawk and it was so cool and when I said thanks and gave a compliment back, Xander (the person) looked around a little and said "Xander, ve, vir, vem pronouns" and when I looked confused Xander told me that what ve! goes by instead of she or he or something else and I was drinking it all up and Will was getting less shy and his face was starting to light up a little and Xander asked if ve! could pull up a chair to our table. After a second I got this burst of courage because this felt like an opportunity that I didn't want to miss out on, even though Will was there and I didn't feel like I quite had the right to say what I did next, which was, "El they, them, their pronouns?" and Xander lit up and Will looked at me like he didn't quite know what was going on. It was amazing, ve smiled so hard and didn't push it but then asked for Will's and said "he I guess?" and Xander had to get going not too long after that and ve looked really sorry but we gave us vir number and a flier for a concert that is happening, well it's happening in about a month and it's for the band you sent me that of course, I loved, for a second i thought ve might be some kind of angel here to bring me happiness but when I said this to Will he gave a contemplative "maybe" but also pointed out that we deserve some good things after all the shit we've been through. This is the second interaction with a person that uses other pronouns so I had the confidence to say this and I really hope I meet more people like, well like me I guess.

You mentioned just for a little section of your letter that you could come to California and I have to be honest I haven't stopped thinking about it since, I even mentioned it to MIke in case you have room for another person at your dad's place or even Mike could maybe stay with us. I just miss you both so much, and Lucas and Dustin too, but I just feel it's important for us all to be in the same room now that we are all friends, I feel like we were robbed of last summer. Don't get me wrong, I loved spending all that time with you and bonding with you and me and Mike were bad at talking to each other and you two didn't get along, I just think in a hypothetical world we would be together, just to have a conversation where you don't have to wait to get the reply, even just for a week or two.

I have been to the library to look at books on gay people but I got way more out of my conversation with Xander than I did there, the books that I could find were old or mean, or both! I think there is information out there and there were a few terms that I have in my mind now so I can look and listen out for them. I wasn't trying to say that I was getting the books for you, I wasn't really, I was getting them for me. But in a way I think maybe I was getting them for you, and for Mike and even a little for everyone else. I'm alright existing how I am but it often seems like the world isn't okay with it and I just wanted to find ways to make the world more alright with it all, or at least find reasons why the world already might be and even more how I can be alright existing in a world that doesn't feel like it was made for me. And yes a big reason I feel like this is because of how I was raised, but the thing I don't think parts of you can really be separated, they all coexist together, that's how people are. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, I also don't quite know what I mean, at least not fully. I'm saying that me being raised like I was, me having the first time in the real world being hidden and scared and finding people like that who I now call family having Hopper and then feeling trapped and broken with him but then him being gone, my relationship with Mike, and you, and Will, and everyone, my feeling of not being a girl or a boy, the way I want to kiss and snuggle and date MIke and others maybe but not anything more, the way I collect information like it's going to escape my grasp so soon, my need for people around me but also to not be crowded, the way that I can have trouble telling when someone is not be truthful or twisting the truth, the way loud noises can hurt me in an awful way but then other times be good. And more I think, I don't know, I'm just looking for something, maybe it's just this whole inside of me where my powers once were, or maybe it's just what everyone is looking for as they go through life.

I'm really glad you have Robin with you, it sounds like you two have built up a great friendship, maybe one day in the far away future all three of us could go skating together. You also have to thank her so much for the music, I just can't get the music out of my own brain. Are you also close with Steve? by your letters I assume you're not as close but I hope you two get along as well. 

You wrote that losing me was inevitable and I disagree, unless you want to lose me, I don't think that will happen or at least I don't want it to. I'm so separate from all of you out here, I need to have you and Mike and the others if I'm going to survive. I also had to look up the word inevitable, it's a really nice word with an interesting meaning, I like it a lot, so thank you. Speaking of words I asked Joyce what food for thought meant and she says it's something that makes you think and then I asked Jonathan because it's good to have more than one source apparently (Jonathan told this to me once) and he said that it was something that warrants serious consideration, which I think it's just fancy language for what Joyce said but I wanted to give you all the information, especially as I don't think you will have to look up two of the five words he used.

Your thoughts about Lucas and how you felt about them don't really make sense to me but also I don't think they quite make sense to you yet. Although I do understand where you're coming from. And I'm sorry I couldn't be that much help when describing romantic feelings, I guess that I don't quite understand them either. And maybe that's alright, I think things will fall into place when we are ready, although of course that doesn't stop me from thinking about feelings and relationships and the differences in them. And it obviously doesn't stop you, but I just want you to know you're not alone. Ever.

Love,

El

p.s. anything new to report about school? do any activities to enjoy classes, or not? Nothing is really going on with me but I had a semi-good interaction I think with a person in my class when they asked for a pencil and I gave them one.

**Author's Note:**

> comments feed my soul


End file.
